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Raised in the digital pits of infestation, Don John “The Bastard” was for the best part of two years staring into a lifetime of torturous agony. After several unscrupulous genres sewed the seeds for the proposed death of dance music, our hero donned his customised digital claw, tore open a deep hole in the Musical Timeline (by zeroing in on a 174 BPM loop hole) and somersaulted in, beginning his search for the evil tyrants behind this disaster.

Peering anxiously through the looking glass, Don John “The Bastard” was horrified to see that the essence of DJing was slowly becoming crippled and dismembered with the introduction of laptop-based sequencers. The mere thought of PJs [Phoney DJs] premixing their beats before a set was enough to set our hero into ‘destructo mode’. It was at this point that Don John’s world started caving in on him, whilst he was still trapped inside the Musical Timeline. Chained to a vinyl plaque with razor wire, our hero mustered all of his strength to break free, severing four limbs in the process. He was forced to teleport back to normality by summoning the power from his ancient record collection, which left him to this very day suffering from amnesia and unable to recall his heroic efforts. And thus, he was christened “The Last Real DJ Alive”.

NB: The Last Real DJ Alive’s limbs were resynthesized by the spirit of John Lennon as recognition for his restoration of the Strawberry Fields.

Coming into the present day, the eutopia of the DJ now exists solely inside the mind of our protagonist. Here, turntablists are like athletes who have to perform on the day. For this reason, the DJ who pre-mixes their beats on a computer is, according to The Last Real DJ Alive, “an anomaly in the Musical Timeline”.

The only surviving, recorded interview with our protagonist says, “Try to mix!”, before fading to static.